between this world and that world

Ryoko Yamazaki,山岸涼子, is one of my favorite manga artists,
I mean she is really an artist.
Though she created so many masterpieces,
this particular one left a big impact in me like nothing else.
It is called "Yomotsuhirasaka 黄泉比良坂"
which means somewhere between this world and the "after death" world.

Not agreeing with her husband on their divorce,
a cold-hearted woman was killed by him
who wanted to be with other woman.

Because she had died with so much hatered,
she could not go to heaven or hell,
and her soul is just roaming
somewhere between this world and that world.

Suddenly she woke up surrounded by pure darkness and silence,
then she realized that she did not have any of her body parts,
therefore she could not ask any help,
but eventually she started to see something fuzzy,
sometimes she hears water is dripping or the sound of winds,
sometimes she has glimps of other roaming souls like hers,
but they are gone quickly,
and most of the time, she is alone, so alone.

I am addicted with internet, spending so much time on my computer.
And when I am in this internet world,
I feel like my lonely soul roaming around seeking warmth of others,
but not able to touch anything or communicate with anyone
in the way I really need to do.
I am physically alive but still pretty much same as a dead woman
whose lonely soul is roaming around forever.

I hop one site to the other, one blog to the other,
search something, open up some pages, read a bit, hear a bit,
sometimes leave a message or two and move on,
keep roaming and still I'm alone.

moonlight & pizza

Last night, around 11, I had sudden craving for a pizza.
So I went to a corner pizza joint called "Two Boots",
which now has a several locations in New York,
but the very first is the one in my location.

Tow Boots
Click "Avenue A"

a middle aged film maker couple started
a small pizza place in mid '80s
because they had been tired of financially struggling.
In New York, most of young artists, actors and writers
work for restaurants as waiters
because it is one of a few occupations
that people can make a decent amount of money
without much special skills or experiences,
and it can also give them a flexible schedule.
Most of them do not like that job, who wants to be a servant?,
yet some of them choose to do the restaurant business
when they reach a certain age like 35 years old
and re-think about what they would do with rest of their lives
because they realize that's only business they really know
as they support themselves by being a waiter for many years.

During '80s, many restaurants like that opened in East Village.
Generally those people did/do not have much money.
So they painted the walls by themselves
and decorated with cheap plastic or antique furnitures and ornaments.
Those restaurants and cafes were called cheap-chic.
And some of them became quite successfull
with attracting very yappy clients.
That was the begining of commercialization of East Village.
Since then, this area has changed a lot.
Because more and more yappyish people have migrated here as residents,
rents have sky-rocketed.
Young artist type people are long gone,
they cannot afford to live in this neighborhood anymore.
and people do not have much money can not open a store here either.
Two Boots expanded their business,
like opening up a cute restaurant,
an indie film theatre and a video rental store too.
But in recent years,
they had to close them down because of the rent issue.
Now only pizza joint remains,
but they have 11 locations, even one in Los Angels.
so they are mosdef one of few success stories of that kind.
(Well, their pizza is goooood!)
Tokyo changes fairly quickly,
but some areas of New York have changes even more drastically,
all for people with money.

After I spent a little time in there
with a slice and a small cup of rootbear,
I walked back home,
and on my way I saw a beatiful moon
came out of the shadow of the dark building.
The same moon that I saw 20 years ago,
the same moon that I saw when I was in Japan,
the same moon that I saw when I was a little kid.
I said good night to her before I walked into my apartment building.




I have not posted anything here for a long time.
Well, I had been in a deep depression during the last winter
and I thought spring would help.
But when she came, she didn't.
I was still depressed.

In May, I finaly came out of it.
How did it happen, well I will explain it later.

Time to face the music!

Hi
It's been a while.
I have not posted since October.
Well, I have been feeling a bit low
because
because I lost my work,
the magazine I had written for since 2007 folded.
In Japan, magazines disappearing one after another
as the internet has been replacing them,
and young generations of Japanese do not read anything much.
Most of remaining magazines are fashion
or some other trend realted magazines,
and the demand for writers like me is not existing much.
You might think American media is crappy,
but Japanese media is much crappier now, or even crappiest.
Their journalism is basically dying.

What will I do?
Well, I have to figure it out later.

But first, I have to get my creative energy back.
I really have not done anything since November.
It's time to face the music and dance.
I hope writing this blog will help me to do so.

I also turned on the comment function
though not sure how long it will last.
If you like to leave a comment, please do so while it lasts.

So why have I been so depressed?

Right now I have a bad case of mouth ulcer.
The tip of my tongue melted
and was molded by the backside of my front teeth.
So I can see the shape of my teeth on the tip of my tongue.
It is very hard to talk, eat and even swallow water.
I do this when I am stressed out.
And I have been depressed for a quite while.

I used to write about the pop music for Japanese media
and Japanese record companies for a long time.
I had interviewed many singers and musicians,
attended may shows to write reviews.
However, eventually I grew out of it.
I still love love music
but no longer care about who's on the hit chart.
So I wanted to do the more substential journalism
like writing about social issues.
In order to make a stepstone to that direction,
I wrote a book about the harsh realities of this city
from the Asian/Japanese point of view.
This book was moderately successfull and re-printed
but did not bring me a new career
because that is not Japanese meida wants.
They are looking for something glamorous, trendy
fashionable or shocking about New York.
Plus in Japan, less and less people read magazines
to get informations partialy because of the internet.
Therefore many mags have been folded
and remaining ones & new ones are mostly focused on
Fashion, gourmet food, fancy trips and so on.
It seemed that nobody wanted the writer like me.
Ever since then my life has been nothing but struggle
and the despression.

I actually wrote another book
about my career crisis and depression.
Even though I got a good review from a major news papaer
it did not do anything to my career either.
After that, I fell like downward spiral
financially and emotionally.
Then one year and half ago,
I got a deal with a mag from one of the major publishers in Tokyo.
I have been enjoying writing this monthly article
but this mag is now going to be folded too, ugh.....
Just two more month to go.
As this monthly article has been very popular,
I will work on the book project based on that.
After that, I do not know...

When you are young, you have and can have
ambiguous hopes and dreams about your life.
When you reach a certain age,
you realize your limitation and difficulties of life,
then your hopes and dreams can fade away.
Still if you have a family, you can live your life for that
and your family can be the source of your happiness.
But if you are a single,
it is much more difficult to overcome this crisis.
Right now I do not have much desire to live,
but I do not have the guts to kill myself either.
And I also have two very old cats
which I have to take care of at least a few more years.

I am almost a ghost right now.
Then there would not be much difference if I die.
I will be a ghost and wandering around this city
and see so may joy and sorrow of so many people
but I will not be able to do anything to them
or with them.
Even I will not be able to
save a hungry kitten in the rain.
I will just wander around with sad eyes.

The Bells

Warning: this slide show is too cheezzzzzyyyyy.

This has been one of my favorite songs for a long time.
Laura Nyro did not write this song,
actually written by Marvin Gaye
and originally sung by the Motown group called the Originals.
However, I heard Laura's one first,
and it is from her album called "Gonna take a miracle"
on which she covered her favorite R&B songs
from the days she grew up in Bronx as a jewish girl.

Sometimes it makes me laugh to think
that now I am actually living in the city
where Laura and so many other musicians
who I idolized when I was young.
And when that laughter ends,
I start thinking who I am, what I am, what I am doing here
and if this is real or not.
Deep in the night, I am all alone,
suddenly everything loses its realness and meanings.
I have never been good at drawing the line
between the reality and the fantasy.
And I think I stopped chasing my fantasy a long time ago.
Then who am I?, Why am I here?
Once I was running around to find something even I did not know.
Those days had gone before I realized it.

Do you love me, do you love me,
do you love me cause I love you
Oh Baby
But it's one thing I want you to remember
If you ever leave me, I believe I go insane
Darling I'll never hear the bells again
Never, never, never

It is supposed to be a love song,
but now it sounds to me like
something deep inside of me is crying out, screaming
desparately to cling to my last piece of sanity?,
innocence?, or motivation to live?
I do not know.

Sometimes I feel like being a ghost already.
My existence in this world has already become
so ambiguous that it makes me believe
the death will not change much.

I'll never hear the bells if you leave me
I'll never hear the bells

Will I go insane if "blank" leaves me?
"Blank" has become really blank
and that dose not freak me out.
It's strange.

Ghosts of the Mid Day of Summer

This spring came a little earlier,
but then almost entire May was a bit cold and rainy,
which brought the gloomy feelings back to me.
Well, fortunately June has changed everything,
now suddenly we are in summer, my favorite season.
Just like the old song saying,
summer time, livin' is so easy, fish are jumpin'
and cotton is high.


Under the large large trees
where the light appeared to be bluish,
Bluebells were blooming
like they were doing a soft sweet little chorus.
Their flowers resembled Hyacinth of spring,
but all of them had pale lavender color.
It really looked like a fantasy world
as if it belonged to somehwere Ghosts and Spirits lived.


You know what,
there are many Ghosts are living
in the botanical garden.
Some of them are sitting on some branches
for a long long time, with little sad faces.
Some of them fly from one flower to another
just like honey bees do.
Sometimes they can be naughty to shake the leaves
when there is no wind.


All ghosts are young and pretty, almost like models.
Does this means only pretty people can become Ghosts,
and live beautiful place like this?
Are uglier or older ghosts living in crappy places?
Maybe so, just like humans, pretty ghosts can be lucky ones.
Does this means I cannot come to
place like this after my death?
Sigh, but it seems to be very understandable.


Look, a very cute ghost is touching
the petals of those purple flowers so softly
with her fingertips.
Bees fly from a flower to flower to seek out honey.
Then what is that ghost doing?
I like to ask,
but probably she will be startled and disappear if I do so.
Soft wind just blows.


After a while, after viewing all these,
it gradually dawned on me that
flowers are the metamorphosis of death.
Not only humans but any other living creatures bloom
as a flower when they die.
And they die again and then go to the other worlds.
Probably those ghosts are giving some instructions
to the souls who will take off to the new world soon.
Or maybe just wishing a good luck.


But then, there are so many varieties of flowers
like big ones, small ones, red ones, white ones,
gorgeous ones and simple ones.
Does it depend on what kind of flower you become
where you go after that?
I would like to ask them, but I know that's something
I should not ask, I should not.


Another soft, sweet and tender wind blows
through the petals of flowers and hair of ghosts.
Slowly breathing and closing my eyes,
it seems that all things around me are suddenly gone.
Stopping to breathe now,
I wonder whether I can be a little white flower or not.


Or maybe I want to be a leaf.
Nobody look at me, but I can be swayed
by this wind until the fall.
Where do they go after they take off of thier twigs?


Not only flowers but everything else are traveling,
on the way to become something else,
changing themselves one after another.
For something, it takes only a second.
For something else, it takes a number of years.
Even if you're not the big flower that everybody loves,
your trip continues.
So why don't you adore the wind that blows for you?


Look, at the center of that grass, where the sun hits,
there is a beautiful ghost standing.
Can't you see that?
Or am I just hallucinating
as my deppressed mind is shot up to the sky
by this bright summer light?

Hahahahaha

Help, I'm in Hell!

Right now I am writing about Animal Rights, not for this Blog.
Well, I am supposed to finish it soon but I cannot.
Unfortunately I am still not 100% out of my winter depression.
Not having much concentration
whenever I am in the depressive mood,
writing a long piece can be extreamly difficult.
Actually it has already passed the deadline and I still cannot start.
Last four deadlines were always like this, painfully frustrating
and I even had developed horrible mouth ulcer
because of the great deal of stress,
which means I could not eat or talk for a while.
At least this time that is not happening to me.
But still cannot start writing, so frustrating.
God, please help me!

The Garden of Cherry Blossom

Today, actually already yesterday,

I went to Brooklyn Botanic Garden,

my favorite place in New York city.

( Horinji )

Sakura were in full bloom

and showing their Spring love from above.

( Kwanzan )

I had been so depressed during this winter

and went out only for something very necessary

like grocery shoppings.

And even for that, I went out like 3am in the morning

when the streets were almost deserted.

Pathetic isn't it?

( Taoyame )

But even for the pathetics like me, spring has come

and shown its tender beauty to melt my frozen heart.

( Kikushidare )

I enjoyed being under the tender pink cloud

while listening to the very sentimental music.

( Ojochin )

During this winter, I felt like

my life seems to be completely worthless,

meaningless and hopeless.

( Taoyame )

At night, I felt like sinking to

the bottom of the dark dark cold sea, all by myself.

Many times I screamed at myself "I will die, I will die"

knowing I would not be brave enough to do that.

( Shogetsu )

But today I found a little light pink colored happiness

under the cherry trees.

And that is a reason enough to live for a little longer.

Japanese call the very light pink color of Sakura Usubeni 薄紅.

And this is my favorite Japanese song to listen to under the cherry blossom.

Hanakikou ( 花紀行 )　　　Yumi Arai (Matsutoya)

Wandering alone in a strange town

Wind scatters petals from above

Kisses thrown by the passing spring

Land on my hair and shoulder so tenderly

If I stay here

And see this flower storm pass away

I would be buried in the stream of the time

Usubeni is so soft and tender

Even though nobody picks them up

Wandering alone in a strange town

Wind scatters petals from above

Land on my hair and shoulder so softly

( Kwanzan )

If you happen to be in this city,

why don't you visit this wonderful garden?

Broklyn Botanic Garden

BBG Cherries