So why have I been so depressed?

Right now I have a bad case of mouth ulcer.
The tip of my tongue melted
and was molded by the backside of my front teeth.
So I can see the shape of my teeth on the tip of my tongue.
It is very hard to talk, eat and even swallow water.
I do this when I am stressed out.
And I have been depressed for a quite while.

I used to write about the pop music for Japanese media
and Japanese record companies for a long time.
I had interviewed many singers and musicians,
attended may shows to write reviews.
However, eventually I grew out of it.
I still love love music
but no longer care about who's on the hit chart.
So I wanted to do the more substential journalism
like writing about social issues.
In order to make a stepstone to that direction,
I wrote a book about the harsh realities of this city
from the Asian/Japanese point of view.
This book was moderately successfull and re-printed
but did not bring me a new career
because that is not Japanese meida wants.
They are looking for something glamorous, trendy
fashionable or shocking about New York.
Plus in Japan, less and less people read magazines
to get informations partialy because of the internet.
Therefore many mags have been folded
and remaining ones & new ones are mostly focused on
Fashion, gourmet food, fancy trips and so on.
It seemed that nobody wanted the writer like me.
Ever since then my life has been nothing but struggle
and the despression.

I actually wrote another book
about my career crisis and depression.
Even though I got a good review from a major news papaer
it did not do anything to my career either.
After that, I fell like downward spiral
financially and emotionally.
Then one year and half ago,
I got a deal with a mag from one of the major publishers in Tokyo.
I have been enjoying writing this monthly article
but this mag is now going to be folded too, ugh.....
Just two more month to go.
As this monthly article has been very popular,
I will work on the book project based on that.
After that, I do not know...

When you are young, you have and can have
ambiguous hopes and dreams about your life.
When you reach a certain age,
you realize your limitation and difficulties of life,
then your hopes and dreams can fade away.
Still if you have a family, you can live your life for that
and your family can be the source of your happiness.
But if you are a single,
it is much more difficult to overcome this crisis.
Right now I do not have much desire to live,
but I do not have the guts to kill myself either.
And I also have two very old cats
which I have to take care of at least a few more years.

I am almost a ghost right now.
Then there would not be much difference if I die.
I will be a ghost and wandering around this city
and see so may joy and sorrow of so many people
but I will not be able to do anything to them
or with them.
Even I will not be able to
save a hungry kitten in the rain.
I will just wander around with sad eyes.